In the middle of writing a sentence in the first draft of my current project, I have the thought that I should just stop, erase it all, delete it all, unpublish my five self-published works and forget I ever thought this could be a thing.
Then my stomach starts balling into knots. Is this a panic attack coming on?
Not quite. I can still breath though my stomach has this lead ball filling it up.
What is happening?! I haven’t skipped a workout. I haven’t eaten any sugar. What evil spell is someone casting?
I walk away from my computer. I attempt to stay passive with the thoughts, not over-analyzing but neither ignoring. Let this moment pass, whatever it is, let it come through and out and away.
But it doesn’t pass. So what do I do?
My instinct is to go into hiding. Bury myself in a favorite book with headphones around covering my ears to create a wall that makes the world seems a distant dream.
But I’m supposed to make new choices this year. I’m supposed to stop being a cowardly fuck.
So, I dip my toe, test these swirling feelings centered in my gut, consider where they might have come from.
Maybe I did just eat something weird…
Ugh! Fine! I’ll analyze…